


Painkillers

by RoseBlakewood99



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/M, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-09-29 20:24:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17210321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseBlakewood99/pseuds/RoseBlakewood99
Summary: A short one shot I wrote a long time ago inspired by the song Painkillers by Brian Fallon.Sirius and reader were a thing and now he wants her back.Basically just angst.(Y/N) - your name





	1. Chapter 1

“Sirius, we’ve been over this” you sighed.

It had been well over a year since things had ended between you and Sirius Black. It had been painful, and it still was, but you thought it was better like this.

“Just listen to me (Y/N)” he whined as he pushed his long hair back out of his face in frustration. “Won’t you just hear me out?”

“Why should I, give me one good reason” you retorted, you were not in the mood for this today.

Sirius had been following you around like a lost puppy all week, but this wasn’t the first time. Whenever things came to an end with his latest plaything he would be hanging around you, whispering in your ear that he wanted you back. But today you weren’t having it.

“Please (Y/N), I shouldn’t need to give you a reason after everything we’ve gone through,” said Sirius fixing his dark eyes on you.

“What do you mean by that Sirius? What we’ve gone through was me thinking maybe we were different, but I was wrong, you left me like you left all the others. I was just another one of your toys.” The bitter words caught in your throat and you tried to keep back the tears that were pricking in your eyes.

Getting up from your chair by the fire you made your way up the girl's dormitory, desperately trying to hide the tears that were now rolling down your face. Just before you disappeared out of sight you could have sworn you heard Sirius whisper _“I’m sorry”_

*

“I told you yesterday, I don’t want to talk about it” you narrowed your eyes as you looked at Sirius.

He had found you in the Library engrossed in your Potions homework. Sirius looked back at you, he looked tired. You wanted to ask what was wrong, you wanted to make him feel better, despite everything that has happened between you, you still cared.

“I know you don’t want to hear it, hell, I know you won’t believe me, but I still care about you. I really do” Sirius said.

He wanted you to understand, he wanted to make you understand how he felt, but you didn’t want to know. He had ruined every chance he had had because he was too afraid of letting someone get close to him and too afraid of losing you. But that’s exactly what had happened.

“If you care about me Sirius why did you leave, why were you all over another girl just days later.”

It was true he was never alone; he always had a new girl on his arm. They would smile and laugh at his jokes. He would kiss them like he loved them so everyone would know they were his, and then he would leave them.

“How many other girls have you given this speech too?” you asked “How many have fallen for it? Well, I’m not like them; you can’t come here and pretend to care because you’re bored. I can see through you Sirius Black”

“Oh yeah, and what do you see that no one else can?” Sirius retorted, your words had stung, but how could he expect you to believe him after everything he had done.

“I see someone who is afraid to be alone, who pretends to be someone he’s not. I see someone who is lying to everyone and has even started to believe their own lies.” saying didn’t feel as good as you thought it would.

The look of hurt in Sirius’s eyes was all too real and it was because of you. Without another word, Sirius got up and walked out of the Library letting the door slam shut behind him.

*

“Come on Sirius, you have to get over this, she obviously isn’t interested” James was trying to console his best friend but he didn’t seem to be helping.

“I can’t just move on from her James, it might sound stupid but I really feel differently about her” Sirius said with a sigh.

“Then go make her listen, don’t take no for an answer until she has heard you out. Sounds to me like she is being just a stubborn as you” James looked up “Speak of the devil” he muttered seeing you walk in the room.

“Go on mate, just tell her” he hissed under his breath as he got up heading for the dormitories.

It was late and the common room was mostly empty, a few students sat talking in corners or studying at the desks placed around the room.

“(Y/N)”

You glanced over to see Sirius looking up at you from his seat on the sofa. You couldn’t help feeling bad about what you had said earlier. He had hurt you but that wasn’t an excuse to hurt him back.

“Please, just 5 minutes, let me talk” Sirius was almost begging at this point.

“Okay, 5 minutes” you replied taking a seat in a cozy armchair by the fire.

Sirius took a deep breath “I’m sorry, I really wish things had gone differently and I need you to know that” he was looking down now shuffling his feet a little.

“I know how it all looked, I know you and everyone else thinks I just bounce from girl to girl and maybe I do” he trailed off.

“What are you trying to say?” you questioned “I’m not here for excuses”

“I know, I know” Sirius was struggling to find the words “I didn’t want to leave you, I was afraid of being that close with someone, I was afraid of someone really knowing me” he took a breath "but nothing was ever the same after you, all those other girls, I didn’t feel anything for them. They were painkillers to me, to try and dull the ache I feel without you.” He finally dared to look at you.

He had asked himself so many times why he had done it, why he had left.

“Why are you telling me this?” you asked.

“Because I’m crazy about you. because I’ve never wanted anyone like I want you. Because I love you. Isn’t that enough for you?”

You didn’t know what to say, you never been lost for words before, but hearing Sirius talk like this really stunned you. He sounded so sincere and it was impossible to deny how much you still cared about him, how much you still wanted to be with him.

“Do you believe me?” Sirius asked after a long silence.

“I want too” you replied, “All this time I’ve been wishing you’d come back, hoping that what I thought we had wasn’t all in my head”

Sirius moved over to you, kneeling on the floor he reached out and cupped your face with his hand.

“I want to be with you, it was always you.” he said in barely more than a whisper. “Just think about it, okay?” he asked.

You nodded, “Okay, I’ll think about it”.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've finally written the part 2, I'm sorry its taken so long. I'm sorry for all the angst in this chapter, hope you enjoy reading!

“What am I doing” you muttered to yourself as you tossed and turned in bed. You’d headed up to the dormitories soon after Sirius’s speech. You thought about all the good times while you had been with Sirius but now they were all tainted with doubt. Even after everything he had said you still had doubts about how truthful he was being. But your feelings for him made it impossible to move on or stop hoping that everything he was saying was real.

As you felt sleep starting to overcome you, you knew you would be dreaming of Sirius. Why did he have to be like this? Why did you have to care so much? Could you make it work or would it end the same way as before? It was as you drifted into sleep that you decided you couldn’t do it; you weren’t going to let yourself get hurt by Sirius Black again.

*

As you made your way down to breakfast the next morning you tried to think of a way to tell Sirius that you didn’t want to give it another go. You knew it wasn’t going to be easy, in fact it was going to be one of the hardest things you’d ever done.

“Hey Y/N” A voice pulled you from your thoughts, turning you saw the last person you want to. Sirius.

“Oh, hi Sirius” you replied.

“So, have you thought about it” he wasn’t wasting time, he needed to know. Sirius had spent all night lying awake, hoping that you would decide you wanted him back.

“I need more than a few hours” you lied. You weren’t ready to tell him just yet.

“Oh come on, it’s not a difficult decision, I’m charming, witty and devilishly handsome, what’s not to love?” Sirius said with a huge grin on his face.

It was too much, you couldn’t do it. You snapped. Maybe it was because you were tried, maybe it was because you were hurting, it didn’t really matter why.

“No Sirius, it’s not a difficult decision it’s an impossible one!” you almost shouted “I can’t do this, I don’t expect you to understand but I won’t let you hurt me again. I’m done” You couldn’t stop the tears from falling down your cheeks as you said it, turning you practically ran back to the common room. It wasn’t how you wanted to say it and it hurt all the more.

Sirius stood trying to wrap his head around what had just happened, he never thought he could feel so hurt by someone he loved so much. Did you think he didn’t love you? Were you really that afraid he would hurt you again?

*

It had been two weeks since you had last spoken Sirius, you made every effort to avoid him. Your heart ached every time you saw him. You’d been sitting at the opposite end of the table at dinner, on the other side of classrooms and you hadn’t been in the common room at all. But the thing that hurt the most was hearing his laugh, his stupid infectious laugh. Nothing seemed to faze him, he didn’t care that you didn’t want to be with him, he was too busy causing havoc with James, Remus and Peter to think about you. You’d been right all along, he didn’t love you, he was just bored.

Sirius had spent the last two weeks trying to figure out what he could do to convince you he was serious. His friends had made every effort to cheer him up and he couldn’t be more grateful, but it all felt hollow and dull without you.

*

The morning dawned cold a bright, sunlight filtered through the curtains by your bed, you loved spring mornings. Sitting up you checked the clock, it was still early and the common room was probably empty. Pulling on a jumper and cosy socks you headed down the stairs and made a beeline straight for your favourite spot next to the window. It was then you heard a faint sniff, looking around you couldn’t see anyone else in the common room. Then you heard it again, quietly you made your way toward the sound. It sounded like it came from the sofa in front of the fire.

Slowing you walked round to stand in front of the fire, you gasped. Sirius was lying on the sofa, his eyes red and hair messy, it was clear he’d been crying. You didn’t know what to do, every bone in your body wanted you to wrap your arms around him and make everything ok. But how could you do that after what you had said.

“I’m sorry, I’ll go” he whispered sitting up.

“No, I’ll go” you replied making a move to leave.

“No”

Sirius couldn’t let you walk away from him again following you Sirius reach out and caught hold of your wrist. You froze at his touch, not sure what to do or how to feel.

“I’m not letting you walk away from me until you’ve heard what it have to say” Sirius was sick of this, he was sick of hurting because you didn’t understand. You turned slowly to face him and he took both your hands in his.

“I know I’m not perfect, I made a mistake when I left you and I regret it every day. Nothing is the same with you, I don’t know how to tell you how much I miss you, how much I care about you”

You looked up at him, his eyes fixed on you. You felt your breath catch in your chest, why did he do this to you.

“I have to, I need to, tell you, but I don’t have the words, God this sounded better in my head, I’m just gonna have to show you”

Suddenly the space between you was gone and his lips were on yours, kissing you like it was last time he ever would. You couldn’t help but kiss back; it was more perfect than you could have dreamed. When he pulled away his face was still only inches from yours, getting lost in his eyes it left like you stood there for a lifetime.

“When I’m with you, I’m home” Sirius broke the silence.

“I’m sorry, for all the things I said, I don’t have an excuse” you said tears falling freely down your cheeks, you didn’t think you had any more left.

“It’s OK, you’d have never said them if I hadn’t left you, I’m the one that should be sorry. Can you forgive me?” He was afraid you’d say no, that he’d have to watch you walk away again.

“Yeah, I can forgive you, but only if you’ll have me back” you said trying stop a smile creeping onto your face.

“Of course I’ll have you back!” Sirius yelled, grabbing your waist and spinning you round and round until you felt dizzy.

He set you down on the sofa, flopping down beside you and wrapping his arms around you, pulling you close as if you’d slip away.

“I love you Sirius” You whispered

“I love you too, always have, always will” he whispered back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. As always comments are more than welcome.

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this a very long time ago. Comments always welcome, let me know if you think I should write a part 2?


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